July 12, 2004

Letter to a Soon-to-Be-Ex-Boyfriend

My surgery is scheduled for noon on Wednesday, and I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow morning.

Here's a link to an article I thought might be helpful to you. It's interesting that the article's author stresses the importance of having a number of activities to keep you busy and happy and prevent you from having lots of extra time to brood. He recommends taking up something you used to do, or trying something new.

I know you went through a hard time during and after your divorce, but it feels to me as if you are still in limbo, and still haven't forgiven yourself, moved on and put your life back together again. I'm an understanding person, but there seem to be things going on (or not going on) with you that go much deeper than temporary dysphoria or dysthymia, and I don't have the time and energy to carry on a relationship singlehandedly while I wait for you figure out how to be a happy person.

I'm often rendered speechless when I need a good example of something that has bothered me, but one example is the afternoon when I took SH's birthday present over to her. Instead of coming in with me, you stayed in the car with the motor running, were impatient when I went to give her the present, and were annoyed with me when I came out after spending 10 minutes with my friend. Her husband said to me, "How long have you been dating? Doesn't he know to come in by now?" Time after time, I am in situations with you where you choose not to be sociable, but get upset and impatient with me when I am or do. So often, you're in the corner or off to the side, scowling impatiently, rolling your eyes, pacing, and giving me death looks while I try to end a conversation or extricate myself from a situation graciously. Bring a book or find something interesting to look at already!

It reminds me of my dad, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, beckoning for me to come in and do another five hours of math. Not exactly my favorite memory. I have been feeling really oppressed lately, like I'm always bracing for the next salvo of criticism, combativeness, or general negativity. With all this medical stuff going on, this is not a good time for me to be around you, I don't think, 'cos I need all the positive energy I can get. I do want to stay in touch, if you do, but I think I need a break from the day-to-day for a while.

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