September 15, 2003

Girasol

Cuando sale el sol
Y veo tus ojos sonriendos, pícaros,
Pero llenos de ternura,
Mi corazón sale tambien,
Deseando acercarse al tuyo.

March 20, 2003

Oscar Party 2003

In March, 2003, the U.S. was on the brink of going to war in Iraq, and it was possible that the Oscar broadcast would be pre-empted by war coverage.

It's Oscar party time, but despite the more serious events currently playing out on the world stage, and barring any postponements, I'd like you to join me for my yearly soirée at 6:30 p.m. this Sunday, March 23rd. An invitation is attached.

If you come during the red-carpet coverage, you'll have a chance not only to check out the stars' outrageous outfits, but also to show off your own threads, chat, mingle, nosh a little, have a cocktail, check out quotes from nominated films, and fill out a ballot with your best guesses on the evening's winners. (Prizes will be awarded for best dressed and best guessed, so now's your chance to wear that great outfit from the back of the closet or to dress up like a movie character - recent or vintage.)

If somehow the show is postponed due to world events, I'll let you know my plans, although anyone who'd like to come over and hang out, watch the news or just be with friends would certainly be welcome.

There have been some news reports of a would-be boycott of French food and wine, but if you'd like to register a protest of your own and express support for France's résistance, why not bring something French? To quote from a Salon.com article, "Indeed, a nice Champagne may make a pitiful talisman against encroaching barbarity, but as America goes mad, who doesn't need a drink?" (Read the whole article.)

Hope to see you chèz moi!

January 21, 2003

Achtung, Baby

I love a good discussion--whether spoken or written--with a clever sparring partner, and the emergence of email as a means of correspondence has meant that I do do quite a bit of writing, and that I’m much, much better about corresponding than I was in the days of snail mail. And I almost always spell everything out, and use proper punctuation and capitalization, and only occasionally rely on emoticons to convey tone of voice. It is unlikelier now that friends' prose will go completely unrequited with me, but if I have an engagement to run off to, I sometimes don't have the time to devote to a full and complete response to whatever issues are raised.

I'm can be wary of spending too much time on email, however. Two years ago, I carried on an intense email correspondence/ flirtation with a soi-disant poet who was pursuing me, and over the course of a couple of months, we exchanged about 400 emails, all told. I put my heart and soul into the thing, wrote him poetry, spent hours writing and thinking up witty multilingual puzzles for him to decipher, and he gave me the whole poetry/ flowers/ where have you been all my life shebang. I sat and listened to his whole "my marriage collapsed and I didn't even get any on my wedding night” spiel, but the minute, and I mean the minute I asked for the tiniest bit of support (it was the one-year anniversary of my father's death), he pretty much admitted he was just using me, and was zipoutthedoor. I was broke down. I felt so raw all over, it was like my skin had been peeled off and the exposed flesh rubbed with a nutmeg grater.

I am not going there again. Nuh-uh. And by that I mean that I’m not going to make that kind of effort for someone until I find out who they are, what they want from me, if they’re a good person, and if they are going to have violent objections to any of my personality quirks and blow me off for some bulls**t reason at the worst possible time. That doesn't mean I am never going to trust anyone again, or be giving to anyone again, but I don't have the time and emotional energy to spend on getting over a train wreck I could have avoided by being just a little more aware. The most recent man I met said, “I don’t want to use you,” but he also said, “Some people will tell you I’m a real jerk,” and although I have my theories about it, until I know why, I am going to tread very carefully, because there is something about him that says, “Achtung, baby.”

January 15, 2003

About Schmidt

I must say that I laughed hysterically through most of “About Schmidt,” despite, or maybe because of the fact that Warren Schmidt is such a pathetic character. We want Warren to be happy, but we can’t help laughing at how clueless he is, and how ridiculous the situations he’s faced with. Jack Nicholson gives a radically different, vanity-free performance, and his determined, deadpan manner in the face of frustration just makes every scene even funnier. And so we’re surprisingly touched when he discovers that there’s more to life after all. While this movie's subject matter seems to be conventional enough—a man retires and loses his wife unexpectedly, realizes that he’s been missing out on much of what’s important, and then tries to make up for it as he embarks on the next phase of his life—it’s risky because it skewers the tastelessness and apathy of average Americans, and it's thus bound to puzzle or offend those it's poking fun at. But for those with a sense of humor, the rewards are ample, especially if you pay attention to the little details; everything in this movie, from the priceless dialogue to the clothes, makeup, hair, and set decoration is comic perfection. I loved the damning-with-faint-praise inscriptions on son-in-law-to-be Randall’s award certificates in his bedroom and his awful, thinning-on-top mullet hairdo. Listen to the dialogue in the dinner-table scene–how Kathy Bates’ character (Randall's mother) emasculates her ex-husband with her impatience. Or the sounds in the background as Schmidt phones his daughter, who may not have “a job of some importance” after all. For some men, no matter how successful, who fear ending up like Schmidt, this movie may hit too close to home, but if it’s a cautionary tale, it’s certainly the funniest one in a long time.

August 22, 2002

Investment "Suggestions" for a Nigerian Spammer

For a while now, my friend Srinivas and I have been sending each other especially egregious or ridiculous samples of emails from Nigerian spammers; Srini likes to spam them back with strange queries or outrageous demands. This time, he had some investment "suggestions" for Dr. Bola. I have rearranged the emails in chronological order.

---------------------------
"Dr. JAMES BOLA" wrote:
FROM: DR. JAMES BOLA
FAX: 234-9-2721548
LAGOS - NIGERIA.

ATTN: PRESIDENT / CEO.
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
RE: TRANSFER OF US$21.5 MILLION(TWENTY ONE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLARS ONLY).
I KNOW THIS EMAIL WILL REACH YOU AS A SURPRISE, BUT NEED NOT TO WORRY AS WE ARE USING THE ONLY SECURED AND CONFIDENTIAL MEDIUM AVAILABLE TO SEEK FOR FOREIGN ASSISTANCE/PARTNERSHIP IN A BUSINESS TRANSACTION WHICH IS OF MUTUAL BENEFIT.

I AM A MEMBER OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CONTRACT AWARD AND MONITORING COMMITTEE IN THE NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC) SOMETIME AGO; MY COMMITTEE AWARDED A CONTRACT TO A FOREIGN FIRM IN NNPC.THIS CONTRACT WAS OVER INVOICED TO THE TUNE OF US$21.5M. U.S.DOLLARS. THIS WAS DONE DELIBERATELY THE OVER- INVOICING WAS A DEAL BY MY COMMITTEE TO BENEFIT FROM THE PROJECT. WE NOW WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY, WHICH IS IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT WITH NNPC INTO ANY OVERSEAS ACCOUNT,WHICH WE EXPECT YOU TO PROVIDE FOR US.

SHARE: FOR PROVIDING THE ACCOUNT WHERE WE SHALL REMIT THE MONEY INTO, YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO 30% OF THE MONEY. 60% WILL BE FOR ME AND MY PARTNERS WHILE 10% HAS BEEN MAPPED OUT FROM THE TOTAL SUM TO COVER ANY EXPENSES THAT MAY BE INCURRED BY US DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSFER, BOTH LOCALLY AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES.

IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT A SIMILAR TRANSACTION WAS CARRIED OUT WITH ONE MR.PATRICE MILLER,PRESIDENT OF CRANE INTERNATIONAL TRADING CORP, OF 153 EAST 57 ST., 28 FLOOR, NY 10022, TEL: (212)-308-7788 AND TELEX:6731689. THE DEAL WAS CONCLUDED AND ALL COVERING DOCUMENT WERE FORWARDED TO MR.MILLER TO AUTHETICATE THE CLAIM.ONCE THE FUNDS WERE TRANSFERRED,MR. MILLER PRESENTED HIS BANK WITH ALL THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS AND REMITTED THE WHOLE FUNDS TO ANOTHER BANK ACCOUNT AND DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY. MY COLLEAGUES WERE SHATTERED, AS SUCH OPPORTUNITIES DO NOT COME ALL THE TIME.

TO COMMERCE THIS DEAL THEREFORE, I WOULD REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING:

1. YOUR COMPANY'S NAME, ADDRESS, TEL & FAX NUMBERS.
2. YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ADDRESS WHERE THE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED.

THE ABOVE INFORMATION WOULD BE USED TO MAKE FORMAL APPLICATIONS AS A MATTER OF PROCEDURE FOR THE RELEASE OF THE MONEY AND ONWARD TRANSFER TO YOUR ACCOUNT. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER OR NOT YOUR COMPANY DOES CONTRACT PROJECTS OF THIS NATURE DESCRIBED HERE. THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT YOUR COMPANY WON THE MAJOR CONTRACT AND SUBCONTRACTED IT OUT TO OTHER COMPANIES. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, BIG TRADING COMPANIES OR FIRMS OF UNRELATED FIELDS WIN MAJOR CONTRACTS AND SUBCONTRACTS TO MORE SPECIALIZED FIRMS FOR EXECUTION OF SUCH CONTRACTS.

WE HAVE STRONG RELIABLE CONNECTIONS AND CONTACTS AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA, AS WELL AS THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND WE HAVE NO DOUBT THAT ALL THE MONEY WILL BE RELEASED AND TRANSFERRED IF WE GET THE NECESSARY FOREIGN PARTNER TO ASSIST US IN THIS DEAL. THEREFORE, WHEN THE BUSINESS IS SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED WE SHALL THROUGH OUR SAME CONNECTIONS WITHDRAW ALL DOCUMENTS USED FROM ALL THE CONCERNED GOVERNMENT MINISTRIES FOR 100% SECURITY.

WE ARE ORDINARY CIVIL SERVANTS AND WE WILL NOT WANT TO MISS THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY TO GET RICH. WE WANT THIS MONEY TO BE TRANSFERRED TO THE OVERSEAS ACCOUNTS FOR US, BEFORE THE PRESENT DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT STARTS AUDITING ALL FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OWNED MINISTRIES. PLEASE CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY THROUGH MY FAX NUMBER WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS DEAL.

IF YOU ARE NOT, IT WILL ENABLE ME SCOUT FOR ANOTHER FOREIGN PARTNER TO CARRY OUT THIS DEAL. BUT WHERE YOU ARE INTERESTED, SEND THE REQUIRED DOCUMENTS AFOREMENTIONED HEREIN THROUGH MY ABOVE TEL / FAX NUMBER,AS TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE IN THIS BUSINESS. I WAIT IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR FULLEST CO-OPERATION.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,
DR.BOLA JAMES.

==================================================
Original Message From srinivas

Dear Dr. Bola,

I am happy to hear of your situation and will do my best to help you. I have a number of investment vehicles in mind that would be perfect for your funds.

First off, there's the Certified Repatriable Annuity Pension (CRAP), which will pay your union a fixed or variable annuity via an index-linked pension scheme in any fully repatriable African currency. For long-term growth, you might want to consider the Swaziland Convertible Aurora Metals (SCAM) hedge funds, (which I can't recommend too highly, given the huge demand for zinc in the latest batteries). Might I also suggest that your Cooperative establish a Fully Accountable Revocable Trust (FART) for the purposes of establishing a firm source of income for furture generations of union members. Finally, given the need to keep your funds safely offshore, there's the Joint African Consolidated Kruggerand Offshore Forward Fund (JACKOFF) offered by your own sister organization, the African White Farmers United Cooperative (AWFUC).

Please be aware that these are only a sample of the kinds of investment choices available to your organization. Once I have done a detailed analysis of your investment goals, I will be in a position to recommed a particular strategy.

Please let me know if any of these investment opportunities would work for you. If so, wire me the funds immediately, and I can get started right away on helping you get your funds to safety. Rest assured that our company has over 35 years of experience managing funds and helping organizations such as yours acheive their financial goals.

Please let me know if I may be of further assistance.

Yours,

SN

--- j_bola wrote:
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 02:06:23 +0800
From: "j_bola"
To: srinivas n_______
Subject: RE:
AATN: SRINIVAS N_______
FROM: DR. BOLA JAMES
DATE: 22 AUGUST 2002.

DEAR FRIEND,

YES YOU CAN BE OF REAL ASSISTANCE TO ME AND I WOULD LOVE TO INVEST INTO YOUR FIRM AND THE MOVIE INDUSTRY. BUT I WOULD FIRST HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE WHOLE MONEY IS REMITTED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT BEFORE WE CAN COMMENCE ANY INVESTMENT OF MY CHOICE.

SO PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO SEND ME THE REQUESTED DATAS SO THAT I CAN USE THEM TO FILE IN FORMAL APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND ONWARD REMITTANCE OF THE MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT. FOR FURTHER DISCUSSIONS, ENDEAVOUR TO CALL ME USING THIS NUMBER:234-1-4700390. AWAITING YOUR URGENT RESPONSE.

BEST REGARDS,
DR. BOLA JAMES.

-----Original Message-----
From: srinivas n_______
Sent: Thursday, August 22, 2002 1:09 PM
To: julia spencer
Subject: Too Hilarious

I'm going to have to think of a really fitting response to this one...

July 16, 2002

Oz Aftermath

I got home safely from Oz a few weeks ago, but I've been waiting until my photos came back and I had something to post. I thought it would be great having a digital camera and being able to take an almost unlimited number of pictures, but ever since I got back, the whole thing has been a nightmare, with one problem or screw-up after another. The camera quit working completely after the batteries died, and then there were a couple of corrupted files on my StupidMedia card (my name for it), which corrupted the rest and prevented them from being downloaded. Then the whole card got reformatted by accident when I was trying to pull up the photos in a camera. Now it's up to some data recovery wizards who claim they might be able to save the lost files. If they can rescue anything, I will definitely post photos online.

After doing a free intro SCUBA dive in Australia, I decided to get certified once I got home, and I'm taking the classes this week. Now I can go back and see Wally the Napoleon Maori Wrasse again! I'm going to post a photo of Wally that I found on the internet. He's a remarkable fish, and a lot of travelers seem to have taken pictures - there's even a site with a little QuickTime movie! Just type in "Wally wrasse" into Google, and check out all the sites!